We all have a deeply human desire to be heard in an instinctual way. We desire to create conversations that feel safe, spacious, and real. Learning to practice listening as a form of leadership is one way to grow space for this deep human desire to be realized. We all have a basic need as humans to be seen and understood and to know that our presence matters. I believe this need is sacred and deeply human and what makes love so profound. In this week’s blog and podcast episode, we are exploring the ways we can grow in curiosity and connection to have deeper, more meaningful conversations that meet this innate human desire to feel safe and respected.
Curiosity and connection:
the art of active listening
A Nervous System Signal, Not a Flaw
When this human desire isn’t being met and we feel unseen or unheard, we can feel this hunger as a nervous system signal, not a flaw.
When this happens we close off, stop sharing, stop listening, and stop understanding because it feels unsafe.
When we feel this discomfort, we tend to try to pull ourselves out of it rather than sit with it and let it guide us. By scrolling or shopping or looking for a quick fix, we distract ourselves from this uncomfortable experience.
Recognizing the Human Need
There is power in recognizing this feeling of urgency and energy and invisible demand that requires one to stay with those around them and not question them and not look away. It no longer feels safe to be present in this space, so we regulate it by ignoring and shifting until we can handle the feeling.
This experience stops true communication. We feel unsafe on the inside so we try to control the outside. We talk faster, interrupt, escalate, need agreement to feel secure, mistake someone’s curiosity for disrespect, and treat differences as a threat.
The Power of Our Ability to Listen
The antidote is also deeply human. Our ability to listen. Not passive listening, not preformative listening, but real grounded, regulated listening that creates that safety we all desire.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE THIS DISREGULATION
when you’re talking to fill the void, not to share
interrupting because silence feels uncomfortable
correcting details in a story to regain control
retelling stories where you are in the role of victim or hero or expert
feeling the need to have others agree with you
feeling like “no one is listening to me”
Practicing curiosity and connection
Start with the body and how this experience feels in your body. Is there tightening in the body or jaw clenching or stiffness?
What do I need right now? Naming the need can reduce the intensity.
Find your breath, take 10 seconds to breathe and regulate.
Simple sentences to let the other parties involved know you care but need to shift the energy.
“I care about this, but I need to slow down and pause.”Get curious. Active listening is built through curiosity. Really draw the conversation towards reiterating or being curious about what is truly being said, not talking over the other person. Ask questions and rephrase what you think the other person is saying to build connection and understanding.
FINAL THOUGHTS
If this is not received and reciprocated well, it's okay to walk away. Learning to hold space for active listening does not come without practice. Learning to recognize how things feel in your body is one way to begin connecting the mind, body ,and soul into one integrated being.
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Thank you for listening in and reading along… I look forward to connecting with you & going on this journey of life together.
xo, Lizzie